35. When the Floor Falls Out from Under You
I expect we can all agree that life is hard and also wonderful. Exhausting and invigorating. Delightful and devastating. There is no end to the cycling thru. This is life. Terrible things happen and amazing things happen and we either grow or shrink as a result.
One of the great surprises from my journey over the past few years is that the practices I have built into my life have led to resilience and strength within me, that support me when the tragedies occur. We are all just one phone call from our knees, as the song says. Recently, a close friend left this earthly existence. It was sudden and she was young. I am going through many emotional stages – disbelief, anger, sadness, regret, despair. We ask why and get no answers. I lost a cousin last year, also suddenly and she was also young.
When my parents died, even though they were elderly and had health issues, I went through those stages as well. This time felt the same, but my response was not. I am more grounded, more present. For a few years, I have been regularly meditating, regularly moving and fueling my body with love and joy so that it feels good, regularly putting myself in community purposefully, regularly being aware of my energy, regularly spending time in nature, regularly journalling about it all, and reading and learning and being open. All of these practices, I believe, have fortified me. I have garnered an ability to be present when the unexpected, the shocking, happens. It still sucks and I still struggle, but the struggle is temporary, and feels like something I’m moving through, rather than something I am stuck in. When I start to spin into despair this time, to feel disconnected from my body, to sink down alone, I felt it and was able to bring myself back. I am ok, I say to myself. I am ok. I am still crying more than normal when I watch sweet loving reels or TikToks. I let myself cry as I see that release of emotion as energy in motion. I’d rather it come out through tears than be trapped in my body. It’s exhausting but strengthening rather than weakening. I have been tired at strange times; when I can, I let myself rest. I don’t try to understand. I try to accept.
As for the heartbreak, yes, terrible things happen in the world and in our own lives which we have absolutely no control over. We can wail and cry and rage against the injustice. We should. We do. At some point, we need to get up and keep going. Keep going in a way that sustains us, supports us, gives us strength. Keep going in a way that takes us back to ourselves, to our core spirit, to our inner self, rather than away from it. That is how we build the strong foundation. That is how we weather the storms that are surely coming.
An experience like losing someone young leads us to conversations about - what are we doing with our lives? What are we prioritizing? We realize life is precious and we should DO MORE OF THE THINGS WE WANT TO DO. So I hope this week that you do. And that you spend some time thinking about practices that sustain you, and do more of them also.
