32. Balance, ego and the matriarchy
October 23, 2025
I was walking my dog the other morning, and we approached a man walking his dog. His dog was well trained, trotted right by his heel. My dog was not. Teddy was a shelter dog, and although we’ve made great progress when he’s on a leash, he still gets very excited when he sees another dog and pulls toward them when we walk. I was holding Teddy as close as I could to me, on the other side of the dog walking toward us, but he still pulled the leash tight and was straining toward the oncoming pair. The man said to me, “looks like he’s walking you!” with a bit of a smirk on his face. In the past, I would have felt the need to defend myself by saying something like “well he was a shelter dog” or “you should have seen him last year – he was much worse!” But this time, I just chuckled and said, “yes he is!” and kept walking.
I thought about that interaction and realized that it would have been my ego coming back with one of those responses. That need to justify the situation, explain the complexity that he did not understand. Not letting things like that slide by was always important to me; I felt staying quiet was a betrayal of myself. I apparently no longer feel that way, which was news to me. Growth! I’m glad about that. Why do I care what this random guy on the street thinks about me and my dog? But I did, for a long time.
Then I thought “balance,” and I had this realization about patriarchal vs matriarchal values (or maybe it’s masculine vs feminine values? The world vs me values?) that I wanted to write about. I’ll try to write it in an untriggering way. I saw this recently on Instagram: “Patriarchy isn’t just men in power. It’s a worldview that says power itself lives outside you. It’s the belief that someone else knows better, the father, the doctor, the priest, the system.” (Source: @mommariki). Patriarchal/masculine/world values are about control and oversight and a “right” way. When some behavior or condition is not aligned with a set standard, correction is needed. The man’s statement about my dog walking me reminded me of that. I’m assuming, based on his comment, that in his view, a dog should be controlled and walk primly next to you. And sure, I’m a fan of dog training and we have spent time trying to help Teddy learn healthier behaviors, so we all are happier (including Teddy). But I also understand that Teddy has a broad set of experiences that I know nothing about, since I didn’t have him for his first two years. I assume he’s doing the best he can, given where he’s been and what tools he has. Believing others are doing the best they can is a choice. It’s a worldview. It’s not a patriarchal worldview, but a valid one nonetheless.
Matriarchal/feminine/me values are about balance and letting things be and moving toward a shared existence in which both/all entities can find a way to thrive and co-exist, not to conform to a set standard but to find the place where everyone can be themselves, be comfortable, and peace can reign.
Growing up, I accepted the rules the way they were presented, but as I became an adult, I wondered – who set the rules? Who decided how women should sit, for example? When I worked in DC, I was meeting with a colleague, a man maybe a few years older than me, and I sat with my ankle across my knee (yes, I was wearing pants, not a dress) as I was sitting across the desk from him in his office, talking about some project. He stopped our conversation and said – you shouldn’t sit like that. Bold. I was shocked. This was maybe 2008. Who decided that women could not sit like that? And what, on god’s green earth gave that man the gumption to think that he had the right to have an opinion on how I sat, much less express that opinion out loud to me? Then, I said something like, why? And pushed back. Asked him if he had a daughter (pro-tip: that does not help increase a shared understanding). Today, maybe I would have smiled, ignored his comment, and just kept working. Balance. Growth! Progress.
