30. Unpacking the craving to be busy
October 10, 2025
It’s very cultural, this inclination towards keeping busy. Many argue that America was founded not only on religious freedom but also with a strong emphasis on productivity. The Puritans, who we were taught were America’s first European immigrants, valued self-reliance and a strong work ethic. The Horatio Alger myth looms large in America, a rags-to-riches saga that values hard work and integrity. With these reminders, I am striving to convey that we did not create this default of “busy,” and it did not start with our parents or even grandparents. European Americans came by it through generations of tradition, habit, and culture.
I’ve discussed before, of course there are phases of life that will be very very busy, and we need to be ok with that. When the kids are small and the work is workin’, it can be crazy. Life as a caregiver at any age is consuming. For most of my 30’s and 40’s, my life was full (and not in the way people want it to be, not like full = meaningful but like full = exhausting) and time was very very short. I wish someone then had told me then that the intense time was temporary and that I was not always going to feel this way. I don’t know if I would have been able to hear it then, but it seems worth the effort to have that message be part of our story. It is temporary. You will get through it. After it ebbs, you consider what’s next for you. You can keep yourself busy, or you can take a breath and think again. Even when you retain responsibilities that take a good amount of time, you can still work to build the life you want inside of the life you have.
How do you know if you need to work on being unbusy? There are a few clues. A common refrain that I hear when talking with people in their fifties and sixties is that they have concern that if they retire, they will be bored. This is a sign. I also interact with younger people who use work as the anchor for their life and have concern that if they take time away from work, they will be bored. This is a sign. If, when someone asks you how you are, you exclaim, “Busy!” whether it is with a bit of joy and pride or with a bit of despair. This is a clue. Remember, you are on a scavenger hunt with your life, looking for clues.
From my view, there are two parts to understand about this craving to feel busy – one has to do with cultural values and one has to do with habits and decisions we make as we build our lives. This strong cultural value of productivity can lead us to feel shame when we are not productive. Shame is a powerful motivator. It is also a junk emotion. That means that it is an emotion that does not expand your humanity but instead shrinks it. To learn more about how to move beyond shame, I recommend Brene Brown, who has many relevant books and talks. I read “Daring Greatly,” which is listed on the resource page.
In terms of habits and decisions, we are often so focused on our work. It directs our education after about 12 years old, it drives us to attend college or technical school and for some Americans, it leads to graduate school. It fills our young adult days for 40 hours a week or more. It makes sense that we pour our attention into it. Often, once our job is established, then we put our attention into growing a family – having a partner, having children, helping our grandparents and parents as they age. This can also take a lot of our time and attention for many years. There is no time in these decades where our culture asks the question – but who am I? Outside our job and our relationships, it can be difficult to define ourselves. But there we are. This is the true essence of ourselves – waiting to be discovered or uncovered or built.
Work is not our life; we work so we can have a life. Family is not our life; we have a family to build a community around us to participate in our life. Building the life you want is still waiting for you. This is what we can gain by being unbusy
