28. Expansion: Building my village (4)
Sept 26, 2025
Our conversation on the different types of work we can undertake continues, with a focus on connection work. Connection work is when we are purposefully building our village by connecting with people. I see there are at least two types of connection work we can undertake: caring and feeding of existing relationships and expansion into new relationships. My previous essay focused on caring and feeding of existing relationships, and this essay will share focus on expanding into new relationships.
I will start with the observation that many people, as they get older, say they don’t want any new friends. They may say things like “It’s too hard to meet new people at my age” or “I barely have time for the friends I have now, why would I want to meet new people?” This is an example of belief becoming a reality. If you believe it’s hard to meet people, then guess what? It will be hard to meet people. If you believe you don’t have time, then you will live your life to re-enforce that belief. Not to call you out, but this is a mindset worth growing away from. Maybe you are afraid. It’s scary to make yourself vulnerable and put yourself out there. But doing things scared literally improves your mental health, by building resilience and increasing confidence. It also has the potential to lead to meeting some really cool people and enriching your days. So, please don’t take “expand into new relationships” off your to-do list yet.
Every relationship will not look the same. I aim to establish different flavors of relationships in my village. For example: In Pheonix, we frequent a drive-up coffee place that is common out west called Dutch Bros. Once, I chatted with one of the young women working there about this website and my writing. Now, when I pull up, she greets me with a smile and asks how the writing is going. That counts as a relationship and makes us both a bit happier with each interaction. And all it took was a little curiosity from her about what I was doing that day (that’s kind of a Dutch Bros brand) but rather than just listening once, she remembered that bit of information about me, and the next time I came, she called that information back and built on it. I imagine each conversation exchange we have with another person is as though we are putting in a stitch to connect the space between our two separate selves, bringing them closer together. We might call this type of relationship an acquaintance, that is, someone we know casually and have a limited emotional engagement with. Limited, not zero! So, yes she is a part of my village.
To expand our village, we need to encounter new people, This can be done by going to new places or by going to places you always go, and having new eyes. I know there is an instinct to go to new places with someone else, but if growing your village is an objective, then going by yourself to something new is a much more powerful tool. I have been on two women’s retreats in the past two years, and I went by myself. At both, I met women I never would have otherwise met, and they have expanded my village. Last Sunday, I went to a fall equinox circle at my local yoga studio alone, and I was able to meet local women. Small gatherings with women have really filled my cup, and I offer that as a potential path for you also.
An area I have been working on lately is expanding the age range of my village. It’s always easier to be with people your own age and who are in the same stage of life. And these connections serve a specific role that is important. I’m aware though of how easily we can isolate ourselves from new perspectives and ideas, if we only talk with people who are our age. So right now, I am focused on building relationships with older and younger people. And in nurturing those younger and older connections I already have. I encourage you to think of your village as a project, not just assuming that relationships happen organically but putting an effort and attention toward what you want. What is your first step?
