23. Building My Village, Part 1
August 22, 2025
In the first half of our lives, we do the work – learning skills, making money, supporting yourself, building a family, expanding your horizons, adulting. In the second half of life, we have more choice in what we focus on. There are fewer expectations and fewer default paths. This change can send us adrift or be an opportunity. We can continue on the paths we started on, or we can take time to really choose.
One potential focus is relationships. In youth, we have friends, parents, teammates, classmates - lots of people around. As we move to adulthood, it’s harder. Maintaining old friendships can be a challenge as people grow apart or move away to pursue opportunity. Making new friends can seem daunting. I also think we need new terms around friendship. I propose we imagine building a village of people, not a physical village in which everyone lives nearby, but a supportive connected one in which we can reach out and connect with each other easily, and one in which we can count on each other.
You have likely seen the same research I have seen about the importance of having a community for healthy aging. In a December 2024 article on Harvard’s website: “Researchers agree that social connection can help people live longer and healthier lives. Being socially disconnected is associated with higher rates of illness, including heart disease, stroke, anxiety, depression and dementia.” So, not only are you less happy with loneliness, but you also suffer more from physical ailments. What is going on? This is NOT what we were taught in high school health class in the 1980s, and it’s probably not taught today!
What does social connection mean? How do you build a community? We can think of this as making a list of people. A personal community. Sure, we have existing friend groups that spend time together, and those are welcome components to a rich social life. But they are not YOUR community; there are probably some in the group you are closer to then others. Think of this as your curated community.
What type of social interactions do you desire in your life? And how often? Community and connection can mean different things to different people. One person might plan to meet up with several different people in one day – one for coffee, one for lunch and another for an afternoon walk. For others, that pace may seem exhausting – they may interact with a few folks online asynchronously (that is, not at the same time) and that fills their need. Or both of these might be you on two different weeks. Knowing what you need and what pace fills you up without overwhelming you is something you need to figure out about yourself. It may change over time, so check in with yourself now and then to align your community and connection focus with what is best for you. Think about it. Write ideas down. Come up with a plan. I am arguing that we need to invest in our relationships as much as we need to invest in our retirement plans.
My first piece of advice related to cultivating the connections that you desire is to look back into your past. There undoubtedly some you people have grown apart from for good reason – let them go with love. For those who you’d like to catch up with but haven’t talked to in a while – shoot them a text! Google them and find contact info and say – hey I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to say hi and wish you well. That text sends them energy and good vibes. If they don’t write back – done! Move onto the next one.
The underlying idea here is that you have the ability to take steps to create the community you want. In fact, you are the only person who can do that. But you must choose this. If you are missing community and connection, go ahead and send that text. And let me know how it goes.
