17. Building a Life Based on What You Value
July 11, 2025
There is a quote from American author Annie Dillard: “how you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life.” We often have a “pay-off-in-the-future” mindset, in that we decide to live our lives a certain way now, so that we can one day in the future, live the life we want. For example, living frugally now so that you can buy a house or take a vacation in the future. Grinding out time at the gym or on long runs now so that you can run that marathon or get that PR. I am not saying this is a bad thing necessarily, but I am suggesting that, as we get older and wiser, maybe these types of trade-offs (that is, current-bad for future-good) become less appealing. We can build our now to align with what we care about.
How to get started? Rather than listing all the things you want – a great apartment, a perfect partner, extensive travel – instead of things, think more broadly by asking - what kind of life do you want? Not, what things do you want in it, but how do you want to feel? What do you want to be focused on? One way to think about this is to consider - what is it that you value? Values are our sense of what is important.
I might have a quick answer to the question of what I value, but each of us would likely benefit from spending some time on this. How can we start to know that about ourselves? We are so bombarded by messages from people/society/culture are telling us we should think is important. In order to be aware of what my personal values are, I need to spend time away from that noise, considering, looking at decisions I have made and how I felt about them, thinking about things I want and why I want them, and pulling out the concepts behind them that are the things I care most about. Then, I can build my days and my life in line with those values. There is no right or wrong answer here. It’s your preference that matters. A good life is having more of the things you care about (and less of the things you don’t).
We do not do a very good job in our society talking about our values. Perhaps because there are strong assumptions that we all value the same things. Brene Brown provides a list of values in her book, Dare to Lead, and you can find that list here. This isn’t necessarily a definitive list, but it might be a useful tool, as you are getting re-acquainted with your true inner self, to provide some language for what you care about.
We all likely have different core values, and that’s ok. I know within my family, we have different priorities in terms of things that are most important to us. I have a very strong value of independence – it is important to me to be able to do to things myself and to be self-reliant. My mother-in-law has a very strong value of family; spending time with family is very important to her. My son has a very strong value of fairness. All of these are admirable concepts – and perhaps we all have them to some degree, but the priority matters, or, it should matter in the way you make decisions. So, some things are most important to you but may be less important to others. This sense of core values may be something we are born with or something that evolves based on our experiences – probably both have an influence. Knowing what our core values are will help us to make decisions and live the life we want.
Consider taking some time this week to think about what is really important to you, using this list as a prompt. Once you have a list of three or four values that are very important to you, then spend some time thinking about what parts of your life are leading you toward or away from those values. This part of your self-awareness journey can be finding out what is important to you, and naming it – and then pursuing it in your life.
