11. An Aligned Life
May 30, 2025
After taking time to first uncover the themes of my childhood and then using a form of life review to consider what I can see in my adult versions of myself, I feel more connected to who I am, who I want to be, and less pulled in a direction based on societal norms, social media trends or common unwritten expectations. I am starting to feel like I’m filling in that longing that I have had for a while, that I could not name, that made me feel like I was not being completely myself.
This journey down my own path, and the feeling of fulfillment and “rightness” makes me wonder – how did we get to this place where we listen to others before ourselves? When we are so disconnected from our inner life that we never even consider consulting our own internal “posts” to see what we need. We do not think about spending time wondering about our own sense of longing, and looking for clues about what we could be spending time on or turning our attention toward. Not only do we never consult it, we often do not have access to it. We struggle to know what we need, even when we are discontented and clearly need something.
At times, this inner knowing, this inner longing will push through, and we will experience it as an instinct. We may label it a “feeling” as in “this just feels right” or “I have a bad feeling about this.” Sometimes, we may heed that call and turn away from things that go against our instinct, but then we may struggle when someone asks us to explain ourselves. More often, unfortunately, we will push that feeling down because it goes against what we have been told is the “right” way. It’s probably even the case that some people think something is wrong with them because they don’t want what everyone else wants. So, it is not uncommon to push that feeling away and continue on the well-trod path, seeking the same things that everyone else is seeking, ignoring that little voice that wants something different.
There are so many parts of our lives for which we are presented with a course of action that is considered the “right” path. Kudos to those brave souls who exist in every generation who have said “no thanks” and walked their own path. I want more of those. I want everyone to have considered the path they are on and discern, based on their own inner instinct, whether this path is right for them.
I’ll preview what we know about good decision making based on decades of research in the field of Decision Analysis (Note: I plan to discuss this topic much more in-depth in later essays) by saying that the ONLY way that it can be determined that a decision was a good decision or not is to assess whether or not the decision was consistent with the values of the decision maker. The values of a person are an expression of what they care about (BTW, figuring out what our values are will be the topic of another, maybe multiple, essays). So, according to experts on decision making, there is no objective “right” or “best” choice that can be generically applied to an unspecified person for any decision scenario. In other words, there is no one “right” objective path. Period. What is true in terms of good decision making is that only the person who is making the decision, being directly in touch with knowledge of what is most important to them, can make a good decision. So, being in tune with your inner values, your true preferences, and understanding how this decision is going to impact those things is the only way to make a good decision.
It only recently dawned on me, after first being introduced to Decision Analysis in graduate school almost 30 years ago, how aligned Decision Analysis is with many spiritual teachings in this way. I was very drawn to Decision Analysis from the start; I always thought it was because it was so logical. Now maybe I’ve uncovered a deeper connection.
This week, maybe you can start to think about times you had an instinct, and when you followed it vs. when you didn’t. Or consider the set scripts or paths that are laid out to us by society/culture/family/peers and the degree to which you have followed or are following one. Starting to notice is the first step.
